I'm not fully sure where to begin.
I am uncertain about so many things in my life. Especially, where my future is going. Something I think so many of us face in life, and for some, like myself, it happens more than once.
I have been away from this blog, something that once filled me with such happiness. Mostly due to lack of time, but also a lack of passion and inspiration.
That said, writing is therapy for me. I want to ignite that spark within, once again. Therefore, I believe this blog will be taking a turn in a new direction, as will I, over the next few weeks and even months.
Facing life in your mid-thirties, and not being where you saw yourself as a child, on any front, is tough.
That said, it is not an end. Even if it may feel like it at times, which is just the honest truth. I want to try my best to stay positive and see it as a new, wide open, beginning.
I know what I DO want, and where I am now is NOT it.
I believe, in my heart of hearts, that it is time to move out of the big cities. My life has been full of them, from London to Abu Dhabi to Los Angeles and New York City.
Above all else, I seek true love. A home and happy, comfortable life being the cherry on top.
I don't need a lot of money. Just to be in a place where I can live smartly, less month to month, and be able to travel, my other love, and to spent time with family and dear friends, whom I live for these days.
I don't know that kids are in my future, partially due to age, though I love and relate to them more than anything. That said, adoption has been something I've been open to since I was a little girl, and there are plenty of children who need a happy, safe home.
Ultimately, I want to be in a place where I can be doing something that is truly helping others and making a difference in this world or, to me, it is not worth it. It's always easier, and more fulfilling, doing that while sharing it with someone special, but not all of us get that.
If I said I knew where I was going, I'd be lying to each of you, which I won't do.
Something I learned over the past few months, at a job that I fell into, surrounded by some of the greatest people I've ever known, was the importance of transparency.
So, this is me. Transparent, open and honest with where I am now, in this moment. I'm not happy and know a change needs to be made, though I don't know what that is.
If it weren't for my incredible family, and handful of close friends, I would be completely lost. They are the greatest gift I have ever been given, and I am so thankful for each of them.
I was recently called "irreplaceable" and told I have "a smile, kindness and ora that lights up this world and helps others" by some co-workers, and that I "inspire people" by a NYC construction worker, whom I've come in contact with over the past few months, all in the same day.
In the end, I want to continue to be these things, and offer these things, to those around me. Not help myself, but help others and continue to smile on a daily basis.
Lately, I've been doing so, despite feeling lost and unhappy inside, because life is short, and I believe there is no need to bring those around you down simply because you are sad or having a bad day. My hope is to, one day, be able to do the above while also feeling truly happy and content myself.
Perhaps "the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life," and all you have to do is simply take it. Here's to doing just that...where it leads is yet to be seen.
Finally, to each of you, my readers, and bogland friends, thanks for sticking by me and for the support you have shown from all over the world. All of you mean more to me than you know, and I hope to never let you down.
Hopefully, you join me for my next chapter, and, together, we see where it leads.